It’s hard sometimes. It’s hard to know what people really think of you, who you really are, what you’re really capable of. I mean, when many people tell you one thing about yourself that you feel pretty good about, you’d think you’d be pretty secure about it. But there are really some things where all it takes is one person to come along and shatter it. And can you really blame that one person? Or is it really yourself?

So many people say that we should live by what other people think of us, we should live by other people’s rules. And to a degree, I agree with that. But when you’re working, or in school, or otherwise interacting with other people, their opinions of you make all the difference. And for all the honorable advice people give, what people think of us really does define part of who we are. There are people who pretend it doesn’t so convincingly, but it’s still there.

I’m generally a fairly secure person. At least I think so. I spend a lot of time being grateful for who I am and my gifts–looks, character, intellect, and luck, for the most part. It’s not unwavering security by any means. I can’t blow off insults from other people immediately, but after I take some time to deal with it–a couple minutes to a few hours–I’m fine. I’ve always had a lot of faith in myself, and that goes along with holding high expectations for myself as well.

But lately I’ve been really…really having doubts. I’ve been repeatedly making dumb mistakes at work. Mistakes no one else seems to make, but everyone else seems to catch. Small, ridiculous oversights. I always thought I had great attention to detail, but not a day at work goes by where I haven’t messed something up. I can’t seem to keep a train of thought going, and my concentration is suffering. I’ve been forgetting words mid-sentence, and I get self-conscious, which makes everything worse. I feel like all my thoughts are coming at me three at a time, and I can’t keep anything straight anymore. I thought multi-lateral thinking was supposed to be a gift. Everything I thought I was good at is becoming so mediocre.

I used to be sensitive to other people’s needs–I could see things from their perspectives, and I could make things clear for them. Now I feel like I’m trying to talk to people through a glass wall–they only see my useless gestures, but my meaning is lost.


~ by madamespider on July 30, 2010.

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